When I coach individuals and couples on what makes relationships successful the ideas of John Gottman tend to make sense in the calm, neutral forum of my office. It is usually another story when theory translates to reality at home. How can we access basic principles of human respect and love when the emotional process in our relationships has a life of its own? When our own reactivity is at its highest it seems much more natural to become defensive rather than to listen calmly and ask good questions. I believe like most things that we decide to put attention to and improve, with practice we can get out of the unproductive posture of defensiveness. I think success is when a person who usually interrupts another person decides to take a breath and let another finish her thought. These simple but significant changes over time tend to accumulate in our emotional bank accounts. There are many tips that can make a big difference but monitoring defensiveness and making a conscious effort to listen and really attempt to understand one another is one of the most powerful gifts we can offer.
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