It seems that I can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine article these days without some reference to John Gottman’s ideas around the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The “Horsemen” are behavioral tendencies that can derail a couple from productive problem solving. As an Oak Park marital therapist I help couples to identify and diminish the corrosive behaviors of defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling and contempt. Gottman contends that the worst of the four is contempt, and its very difficult to eradicate from a relationship. The masters of marriage tend to avoid these Horsemen. I developed the following mnemonic to guide couples away from the ravages of these patterns.
“Know that positive interactions influence us to solve our problems, get out of gridlock and dream.”
The masters of marriage KNOW each other and maintain a posture of interest, availability and presence.
The masters of marriage have an overall POSITVE attitude toward their spouse.
The masters of marriage participate in numerous positive INTERACTIONS over time.
The masters of marriage accept INFLUENCE from the other and power is shared.
The masters of marriage SOLVE their solvable problems and believe most problems are solvable.
The masters of marriage know how to make movement out of GRIDLOCK.
The masters of marriage DREAM and create a shared vision for the future.
There are many rich ideas on ways to a successful marriage, but I think these are some of the best. It is a treat to witness couples translate these principles into reality and experience true marital satisfaction.
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