In the approach I often use from the Bowen family systems theory, a key concept is Differentiation of Self. The idea relates to a person’s ability to direct his/her functioning by setting goals and planning purposeful action even when one is highly anxious. A key question I ask in an initial consultation is “what do you want to accomplish in our meetings?” Most people have some idea of what “happiness” looks like to them – positive relationships, work-life balance, or following a new career path, for example. The challenge to manifesting those elements is when one’s automatic response to threats and challenges get in the way of a thoughtful directed path. By taking time in a calm environment, it’s easier to envision and decide life actions based on beliefs, values and principles, and maintain emotional contact with those that have different ideas.
Under increasing conflict and stress it is much more difficult to stay clear in one’s own thinking and values. Maintaining ones’ own goals when emotional forces are pushing in another direction is difficult. One way that I think about differentiation of self is the ability of a person to be a scientist in his/her own life and observe emotional process and then think about that process. I believe that when one can observe self, and identify what might be old behavioral patterns, it begins to free one up to select something different and more productive going forward.
For a simplified example, a wife in a marriage may be keeping a watchful eye on what her husband isn’t doing. She awaits him to forget to grab the dry cleaning and then adds it to her list of disappointments. If she is up for it, this wife will notice over focusing on her husband. She can ask, “what is going on in my own life that I am on him so much lately?” She might observe that she is avoiding her own priorities and hasn’t put adequate attention to a goal that is important. Her husband’s part of the problem might be to shut down and avoid contributing to the marriage “because nothing I do is right.” His ability to observe his disengagement and own his mistakes would take a higher level of differentiation of self. Instead of reacting to his wife he might decide to observe his own tendency to disengage and share his own thinking with his wife in a calm, clear and concise manner. If each person is able to manage their own side of the relationship, gradual progress is unavoidable. I am continually fascinated when I see how individuals move away from emotionally reacting in agreement or opposition to others and decide a life course that is well thought out and goal directed based upon their own values and principles.
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