A friend of mine wondered out loud on how much another person’s
emotions contributed to her decision making. I thought this was such a succinct way of understanding how we define ourselves in relationships and the emotional forces that contribute to our thinking process. I think that being human means having to sort through how much another person’s emotional state will lead our actions. How many times does “not wanting to hurt another’s feelings” take precedence over what is most important to one’s own goals or value system. It’s so easy in a family to live under the same “emotional skin” as we are so affected by other members thoughts, feelings and actions. I believe that a person’s ability to be affected by another’s thoughts, actions and emotions – and still make calm, well thought out choices for self, given these influences, is one of the elements of good decision making. How each person decides to define themselves in the face of emotional pressures remains a fascination to me. A woman was telling me the story of attending her daughter’s graduation and wishing to be in the moment of the event, taking pictures, seeing her first born against the backdrop of middle school one last time. In this process she was assisting her mother-in-law who moved quite slowly, needed special accommodations and had to be taken care of in specific ways. In the throws of the crowds she was able to get her mother-in-law a special seat, a special entrance, and some water. As the woman began to sneak out in the middle of the ceremony to race to the restroom, the she felt a frail hand clutch her arm. Her mother-in-law needed to go to the restroom, could she go with her? As I listened to the story, I thought of the very sticky wicket in which this woman found herself. Does she put the importance of being present for her daughter’s special event over the needs of an elderly relative in need? If she missed an important part of the ceremony would she resent her mother-in-law? I do not think this process is the same for everyone and that there is no right or wrong answer. What guides thinking and action given levels of high emotional intensity is as unique as the individual. This story may seem benign, but it puts in perspective much of the process involved in these day to day decisions. In the end, this woman was able to manage her resentment by asking for assistance from other family members, as she determined that she was taking the responsibility for her mother-in-law upon her shoulders. In answer to my friend’s question, how much does another’s emotional state affect decision making, I think for most of us, the response is “a lot.” It is still possible to define ourselves to others even if their emotional states are at times overwhelming. The manner in which we choose to do this is one of the elements that makes each individual’s decision their own.
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